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Fic Battle Entry - FIRE AWAY

apartment303 , ayadec , bottecellie , brittaforthewin , butterbadger , _carly_ , colonialburn , crittab , curlydots , firthgal , fluffyfrolicker , hematitebadger , htbthomas , krilymcc , lextersdab , malo_malo , ogwriter , palgrave_golden , piesek , rosepetal9 , rowboatcop , supercapo , telm_393 , virtual_toast

The first shot has been fired - the Fic Battle will now begin! Full rules and guidelines here (please note the sign-up addition and the last prompt deadline edit), but the quick version is here:

1) Author A replies to this entry with their writing preferences (from here) to start their thread. Minor changes are allowed to preferences, if needed.
2) Prompter 1 replies to Author A's thread with a prompt
3) Author A fills said prompt with at least 300 words of fic and posts it in a reply to Prompter 1's comment.
4) Author A moves on to Prompter 2.
5) Prompter 1 may now give Author A another prompt if they so choose, continuing on until prompts close on Thursday, June 21st at 10am EST (7am PST).
6) Authors have until Thursday, June 21st at 12pm EST (9am PST) to post their fills.

The author with the MOST fills will be the Winner! Any author who fills EVERY prompt they receive will be a Survivor!

A few additional notes:
** The length of the battle is for two reasons: A) varying free time for writing (a work-a-day writer or a weekender), and B) varying writing speeds (a tortoise or a hare).
** As the battle goes on, try to spread your prompts among the authors. If you see an author who has completed all their prompts and there's plenty of time to the end of the battle, help them out!
** No ideas for prompts? Use resources like unfilled prompts at various comment fic memes and fests (even other fandoms which could be adapted), or random story idea generators.
** Anonymous comments are screened for the duration of the battle. Please prompt logged in.

Questions? See the first comment thread below.


CEASE FIRE! The battle is now over! No fills posted past 12:00pm EST will count toward the final totals. Masterpost with winners, survivors and breakdown will go up by tomorrow at noon.

Authors may continue to fill their prompts, just for fun, if they wish! And prompters, please continue to feedback. :)


Jun. 15th, 2012 06:59 pm (UTC)
Maximum rating I will write (G - NC-17): hard R (think "sex in a movie" versus "porn")
I WILL write any of these genres: angst, fluff, AU, crossovers, smut, humor, shippy!fic, gen/friendship!fic
My preferred characters/ships are: Abed, Annie, Troy, Jeff, Britta, Professor Duncan, Troy+Abed bromance, Troy+Abed+Annie roommate hijinks, Jeff+Shirley awesomeness, Abed/Annie, Jeff/Britta, Troy/Britta
I will NOT write these topics/characters/ships: Jeff/Annie, Chang/anyone (in a romantic context), Pierce/anyone (likewise)
I WILL write crossovers in any of these fandoms: Doctor Who (and related), Sherlock, Skins (gen 1 or 3), Misfits, Venture Bros., Good Omens, Firefly, Black Books, Spaced, Star Wars, Cabin Pressure, Harry Potter, Sweeney Todd (the stage musical, not the Burton film), How I Met Your Mother
Jun. 15th, 2012 07:58 pm (UTC)
Good Omens crossover- On a trip to London (most likely to see where IS is filmed), Abed ends up in Aziraphale's bookshop.
Jun. 16th, 2012 07:40 am (UTC)
FILL: Errata (Good Omens crossover, Abed in Aziraphale's bookshop; prompted by cherrycoloured) 1/2
Buggre Alle this for a Larke. I amme sick to mye Hart of typesettinge. Master Biltonn is no Gentlemann, and Master Scagges noe more than a tighte fisted Southwarke Knobbesticke. I telle you, onne a daye laike this Ennyone with half an oz. of Sense shoulde bee oute in the Sunneshain, ane nott Stucke here alle the livelong daie inn this mowldey olde By-Our-Lady Workeshoppe. @*Ǣ@;!*

Abed blinked once, then read the verse again. Surely that couldn't be right.

He had passed by the nondescript bookshop twice before he got the chance to venture inside (the first time nothing could distract him from getting to Day One of the first ever official Inspector Spacetime convention, and the second was during the ill-fated search for Mexican food anywhere in London— there weren't any, at least as far as he and Troy could tell). It had caught his eye precisely because of how unremarkable it was, as if every brick of it had been laid, every stroke of paint had been brushed with the sole intent of saying Oh, don't mind me, keep moving along, nothing remotely interesting to see here.

It was, in short, fascinating.

Therefore, when the convention hit a comfortable lull and Troy was busy attending a panel with Devlin Fauntleroy, legendary fight choreographer and designer of Constable Reggie's zero-gravity martial arts, Abed made a point to go back and give the dusty little shop a thorough looking-over. He knew that, logically, the chances of wandering into an ancient-looking bookshop and finding a book of magic, or a kindly, somewhat eccentric mentor, or a portal to another world were quite slim, but if it were ever going to happen, London would be the city, and by the looks of it, this would be the shop.

He noticed distantly as he entered that, just as the exterior had seemingly been designed to be ignored, the interior was incessantly unpleasant and formidable, from the damp smell rising from the floorboards to the flickering lights and murky shadows obscuring most of the books on the shelves. It was scrupulously clean, and despite the gloom he could tell that all the books were in excellent condition, but the fact remained that anyone else would feel out-of place and likely make a quick exit to find more hospitable browsing elsewhere. This naturally only piqued Abed's interest.

Once actually inside, however, he found himself rather bored. Most bookstores, regardless of size, had some sort of organization, whereas everything Abed had seen so far suggested that every book in the shop was either a vaguely religious text or a boys' adventure manual. With a shrug, he had selected one off a shelf of old-looking Bibles and gently paged through it, thinking perhaps it might be an interesting translation or have illuminated pages Shirley might enjoy, or maybe some extra-awesome gory Medieval art Troy would find awesome...

Instead, he found himself trying to comprehend the page in front of him, the most blatant breaking of the Fourth Wall he had ever heard of in the history of the printed word. And in the Bible, of all things.
Jun. 16th, 2012 07:42 am (UTC)
FILL: Errata (Good Omens crossover, Abed in Aziraphale's bookshop; prompted by cherrycoloured) 2/2
“Ahem,” came a light, clear voice from behind him, and Abed looked up to see a round-faced blond man peering at him from behind the shop counter. He looked genial enough, smiling benignly as he stirred a mug of tea, but something behind his eyes, something very old and very powerful, made Abed go cold, and while those eyes never once flicked to the Bible in Abed's hands, it was overwhelmingly clear that his gaze meant the book was Not For Touching.

Abed closed the book with a snap, and the power behind the man's eyes relaxed a little. He looked Abed up and down, bowler hat to bathrobe.

“Here we are, I think” said the man, reaching his hand underneath the counter and pulling out a shiny new Inspector Spacetime Annual. He held it out for Abed to take, easing the Bible out of his hands in trade. Abed stared at the man with his own piercing gaze. He stared long and hard, and in that extended moment, he made a decision about what he had just seen. Mainly, that Life in general would go a lot more smoothly if this particular oddity were not his to prod.

“Cool,” he said with a nod, handing over some money. “Coolcoolcool.”

Later, when he realized the man gave him twice as much in change as he'd paid, Abed would blame unfamiliarity with the pound. Really, he was more distracted by the fact that the Annual he'd purchased was not to be published for another six months.
Jun. 15th, 2012 08:39 pm (UTC)
One of Shirley's sons goes missing. Jeff works his ass off to find him. Friendship or more, whichever you prefer. Any rating is fine.
Jun. 17th, 2012 09:36 am (UTC)
FILL: Once Was Lost (Shirley+Jeff, prompted by crittab) 1/2

“Yeah?” Jeff said into his phone, eyes not leaving the redhead sitting next to him at the bar. Up until his phone rang he'd been doing a fairly decent job of chatting her up, and he was hoping to seal the deal once he could get around to hanging up the phone.

“Jeffrey, it's Shirley, from the study group.”

“Yes, hi, what is it?” He mimed apologetically to the redhead.

“It's just... I didn't know who else to call. It's Jordan, he's— we had a fight, and he ran off, and now that was an hour ago and I don't know where he is, and he's not picking up his phone and... I'm scared, Jeffrey, I don't know what to do—”

“Shirley, calm down,” he said. “Everything's going to be all right. Have you called the police?”

“I didn't know what to say to them,” she admitted. “I was hoping you would— you were a lawyer, I thought you might know someone, have connections with the police or something.”

“Shirley, this isn't an episode of Law & Order, I don't have any cop friends. Call the police and give them a description.” He swung around on his barstool, the redhead long forgotten. “Where are you? I'm on my way.”

Logically, Jeff knew that there was little assistance he could give that the police couldn't, but he also knew that driving Shirley around the darkened streets was making her feel less helpless about the whole thing, so he continued making a meandering journey past every fast food place, arcade, and playground Jordan could have made it to (and quite a few he probably couldn't). Finally, about forty-five minutes into their drive, Shirley's phone rang.

“Hello? Jordan?” She answered frantically. Jeff watched out of the corner of his eye as she let out a sigh of relief, then hardened into some unrecognizable emotion. “I see. Thank you, I'll be there in a few minutes.” Her mouth pressed into a thin, firm line as she hung up the phone.

“Corner of Fulton and Mayhew,” she said, voice audibly shaking. “Jordan's at his father's store.”

“Fulton and Mayh— that's the other side of town,” said Jeff.

“Oh my dear Lord, my baby's been walking around all night long—”

“Shirley,” said Jeff, doing is best to make sure his voice was even and soothing. “He's safe now, right? He's just fine, and we'll be there in ten minutes. Seven, if I run a few lights.”

Andre and Jordan were standing outside Bennett Electronics when they pulled up; Jeff had no sooner put his Lexus into park than Shirley threw open the passenger-side door and wrapped her son up in her arms. Jeff got out of the car at a more sedate pace, greeting the other man with a handshake and a cool, awkward smile— the sort reserved for weirdly specific functions like 'meeting a classmate's cheating ex-husband.' To his credit, the one Andre gave back was cautious, but overall a friendly one.

“Andre,” said Shirley, wheeling on the man with righteous fury in her face. “How dare you—”

“Shirley, I swear, I didn't know he was coming,” Andre said quickly, hands up in a placating gesture. “I called you as soon as he showed up.”

“Momma, stop it!” Jordan cried out.

“Jordan, say goodbye to your father,” she replied coldly, stalking back towards Jeff's car.
Jun. 17th, 2012 09:37 am (UTC)
FILL: Once Was Lost (Shirley+Jeff, prompted by crittab) 2/2
Jeff watched her go, then watch the quiet, subdued farewell between father and son that followed. He watched Andre hug his son to him with a tightness that contradicted his bright, false cheeriness as he said he'd see Jordan soon, to give all his love to Elijah, and to never scare Momma like that again. Jeff watched, and he made a decision.

“Shirley, wait,” he said, catching up to her by the car. “Don't just leave it at that. As far as things like this go, he did everything right. Throw him a bone.”

“Jeffrey, it's not that easy,” she protested. “You know what he did—”

“And I'm not saying you have to forgive that,” he replied, “but look at them. Jordan misses his father, and it's pretty clear Andre misses him too.” Jeff leaned against the door of his Lexus, watching father and son with a soft look in his eyes. “Your sons are lucky enough to have a father who wants to be part of their lives. Don't take that away from them, please.”

Shirley appeared to think hard about what he said for a moment or two, as Jordan finished up his goodbye and got into the back seat of the car. “Andre,” she called out.

“Yes?” He looked back at her warily.

“There's—” she faltered as she spoke. “The church is having a picnic over Labor Day weekend. You'd be welcome to come spend some time with us— them. The boys.”

Andre chanced a small smile at his ex-wife. “I'd really like that,” he said.

When the car pulled up in front of Shirley's house, she sent Jordan straight in to get ready for bed, but she lingered a moment.

“So,” she said, “I suppose I'll see you in a couple of weeks, then.”

“Anthropology,” remarked Jeff.

“Anthropology,” she agreed. “I think we'll be meeting up in the study room before class. You know, to catch up.”

“Sounds like a plan,” he said with a nod. “See you then.”

Shirley opened the car door, but hesitated a second more before getting out. “Thank you, Jeffrey,” she said. “For tonight, I mean. Thank you so much.”

“No problem,” he said with a smile that, on anyone else, would have been called 'tender.'

As he pulled away from the curb, Jeff briefly wondered when he had become the kind of person people called when they needed someone. As it turned out, it wasn't half bad.
Jun. 15th, 2012 08:49 pm (UTC)
Troy, Abed and Annie create (or storyboard, act out...) an animated short film.
Jun. 17th, 2012 11:51 pm (UTC)
FILL: Blorgons are Not in the Public Domain (Troy+Abed+Annie, short film; prompted by htbthomas)
“That one Christmas aside, I had never really taken the time to study animation as an artistic medium in any in-depth capacity. Also, Troy's action beats, while innovative, proved to be ultimately out of our budget for a live-action undertaking.”

“Only because Annie wouldn't let us film it in the apartment.”

“Okay, what part of 'fire hazard' didn't you get? Oh, and I looked it up, Troy, and I was right: no wire-fighting company does home apparatus installations.”

“Just because nobody's done it before doesn't mean—”

“Guys, guys!

“...Sorry, Abed.”

“Sorry, man.”

“Anyway, we decided to go with stop-motion animation to best utilize Annie's natural aptitude for continuity editing.”

“That, and none of us can draw.”

“But aside from the occasional inter-team squabbling, some budgetary mishaps—”

“Clay is expensive.”

“—and a few copyright issues—”

“I still say we should have used Blorgons anyway—”

“—we've produced a final product I think we can all be proud of.”

“Cool, so what grade did you get?”

“Oh, this wasn't for a grade.”

Jeff looked up from his phone. “Wait, what?” He stared blankly at the trio standing in front of him from the (admittedly comfortable) armchair they'd muscled him into at the start of their little story. “You haven't been telling me about some class project?”

The three looked at each other with matching grins of amused skepticism. “Jeff, what classes do you think we take?” Troy asked with a laugh.

“I mean, I am reusing the character models for an Environmental Science diorama, but that's just for efficiency's sake,” said Annie.

“...Then why am I the only one you're submitting to t... ell this story to?”

They simply exchanged giddy, secretive smiles again, before stepping aside and revealing the television behind them. Troy gently wrestled the phone out of Jeff's hand as Abed pressed play on the remote in his hand. At first, the screen remained blank, but slowly a title card faded into view:

The Continuing Adventures of Horsebot3000

“Happy birthday,” said Annie.

Edited at 2012-06-17 11:52 pm (UTC)
Jun. 18th, 2012 12:12 am (UTC)
Re: FILL: Blorgons are Not in the Public Domain (Troy+Abed+Annie, short film; prompted by htbthomas)
How cute! I want to see this film now! I'd be a much better audience than Jeff. :D
Jun. 18th, 2012 01:42 am (UTC)
Re: FILL: Blorgons are Not in the Public Domain (Troy+Abed+Annie, short film; prompted by htbthomas)
This is so sweet that I actually made an "awww" noise when I finished reading!
Jun. 18th, 2012 08:15 am (UTC)
Re: FILL: Blorgons are Not in the Public Domain (Troy+Abed+Annie, short film; prompted by htbthomas)
I also did the "D'aww." noise. And then giggled. A lot.
Jun. 15th, 2012 09:10 pm (UTC)
Misfits AU: There is a strange electrical storm and everyone at Greendale (or just the study group) obtains supernatural powers.
Jun. 19th, 2012 12:23 am (UTC)
FILL: I Don't Know What's Happened to the Kids Today (Misfits fusion; prompted by lsw700) 1/5
“Why, again, do we have to paint this house?”

“Probably because we destroyed last year's Habitat for Humanity,” remarked Troy.

“Oh, right,” said Pierce, looking mollified.

“We already paid for that cleaning up the first time,” said Shirley. “If you ask me, the only ones who should be doing this are Jeff and Britta.” The rest of the study group made noises of agreement as the two in question donned matching indignant expressions.

“They'd have to get someone in to repaint it, though,” said Annie, “or doesn't anyone else remember painting Shirley's nursery?”

“Guys?” Abed piped up, pointing upwards. “Am I the only one noticing the ominous clouds gathering?”

“That means we can go inside, right?” Troy looked eagerly from one person to the next. “We can't paint if it's rai— whaaaat?” He was interrupted as a hailstone the size of a boulder landed across the street, a mere six inches away from Jeff's Lexus. Jeff breathed a sigh of relief, and would have returned to texting had another even-larger one not crashed through the roof of the house they were to be painting.

“Six bucks says we're blamed for that!” Pierce shouted over a crack of thunder as all seven made a panicked run for shelter from the sudden downpour.

“Everybody get inside!” Troy yelled. “It can't strike the house twice!”

“Troy, that's lightning,” cried Annie, “and it's not even true!”

“Well, we have to go somewhere, before—”

Jeff's words were cut short by a bright flash of light. Time stopped for a moment as all seven students were thrown into the air with a force like a kick to the stomach. There was heat, and a thrum of energy tingling through them from fingers to feet, and then—


The storm was over seconds later, the study group strewn unceremoniously across the front lawn of yet another wrecked Habitat for Humanity. One by one, they struggled to their feet, silent except for occasional grunts of effort and soreness.

“So, we all agree,” said Jeff, “we're cutting out early and forgetting this ever happened, yeah?”

They looked at each other uneasily, then nodded in agreement.
Jun. 19th, 2012 12:23 am (UTC)
FILL: I Don't Know What's Happened to the Kids Today (Misfits fusion; prompted by lsw700) 2/5
Even with an extra few hours to spare after abandoning the house-painting, Annie found herself working late into the night on her Sociology term paper. Some kind of fog had enveloped her brain all evening, keeping things from flowing no matter how she rearranged her outline, and staring at it for hours on end seemed to only be making it harder to knuckle down and concentrate. Now she'd fallen into the deplorable habit of checking her phone every few seconds, to see if time was crawling by as slowly as it felt.


“Great,” she sighed, rubbing her temples as she refocused on her work. The sooner she could get past whatever mental block was hindering her, the sooner she could go to bed. She picked up her pen, put her game face on, and went back to rearranging notecards.

Finally, finally, things seemed to be moving forward. She got her points back into a cohesive order, edited last week's rough draft to match, and actually managed to find ways to bolster weaker parts of her argument that had been bugging her for days. The work flew by, and before long she was smiling with the satisfaction of a job well done.

As she saved the final draft to her flash drive, she chanced a glance at her computer's clock.


Annie frowned. She wasn't exactly computer-savvy, but she'd never accidentally switched the time zone on her laptop before. As she closed it, she tapped at her phone's keyboard to wake it up.


She blinked. That couldn't be right. She'd been working for hours. As if to mock her, her phone chose that moment to tick over.


Biting her lip, she cautiously approached her bedroom window and pulled back the curtain. Outside it looked like business as usual: wind was rustling the leaves of the tree outside her window, and the streetlamp across the street flickered and buzzed.

The only problem was that everything was in agonizingly slow motion.

With an anxious squeak, Annie snapped the curtains shut.

“Damnit, Leonard!” Jeff snapped out the open window of his car. “That's my spot!”

“Go cry about it,” the old man sneered as he slammed his driver-side door closed.

Jeff banged his forehead against the steering wheel. This was unacceptable; he had camped out for this parking spot ten minutes ago, and no sooner had its occupant pulled away than Leonard screeched into the aisle from the opposite direction and parked his unnecessarily flashy car in Jeff's spot. Gritting his teeth, Jeff leaned out his window again.

“Leonard,” he said. “Move. Your. Car.

Leonard's smirking face faded into one of slightly-confused calm, and he got back into his car. Within seconds, he had pulled away, blowing a raspberry at Jeff as he drove by. Jeff sat for a moment once he'd pulled into his spot, brow furrowed in thought.

“That was different,” he finally surmised.
Jun. 15th, 2012 11:58 pm (UTC)
John Watson and Britta Perry are half-siblings. It doesn't have to be their first meeting, it could just be siblings hijinks in general. (Point in canon is irrelevant.)
Jun. 19th, 2012 07:19 am (UTC)
FILL: Intermediate Genealogy and International News (Sherlock crossover; prompted by bottecellie)
“What's got you so excited about Family Day?” Jeff asked skeptically as Britta tried not to broadcast how eagerly she was searching the crowd.

“Well, one of my brothers is coming,” she replied. “We don't see each other much, and we were never really close growing up, but... it's family, you know?” She shrugged. “Plus it sounds like he's been going through a lot lately and could use a break, so when they announced the date, I figured I'd— John!” Having spotted her quarry, she waved her arms wildly to get his attention. Jeff saw a compact blond man leaning on a cane nod in recognition and head toward them.

“Britta,” he said by way of greeting, with a smile that, while genuine, didn't quite mask the sadness in his eyes. He pulled her into a one-armed hug, his other hand still clutching his cane “How've you been?”

Jeff quirked an eyebrow. “British,” he remarked.

“Half-siblings,” said Britta.

“Dad got his leg over on more than one continent,” added John benignly.

“Come on,” she said, taking John's free arm and heading into the library. “I'll introduce you to everyone.”

The study room was its normal somewhat-chaotic self, aided by the fact that nearly twice as many people as usual filled it.

“Guys,” said Britta, getting everyone's attention, “this is my brother, John.” John smiled around the room, pausing and blinking to politely conceal his confusion when he reached Abed and Troy and took in their... unorthodox clothing.

“Inspector,” he said with a nod. “Constable.”

Britta put her hand over her eyes. “I never should have told them you were English.”

“Dr. Watson,” said Abed; John's eyes widened imperceptibly at the recognition. “I read your blog.”

“Ah,” said John. “Er, thank you, I suppose.” His mouth hardened into a thin line, as if bracing himself for something. “I take it you followed the papers, then?” Britta frowned in sympathy, lacing her fingers together with his.

Abed nodded, his expression unusually subdued. “I'll always believe in him too,” he said softly.
Jun. 16th, 2012 03:13 am (UTC)
Community/Black Books

Short fic. Annie goes on a trip to the UK (let's assume that Annie somehow has enough money to do this) and wants a London travel guide. She ends up in Black Books. Bernard is smitten at first, but her cheerfulness is grating, so he ends up mocking her. When she tries to get formidable with him, he hates her even more.
Jun. 19th, 2012 08:39 am (UTC)
FILL: Introduction to Anarchist Retail Practices (Black Books crossover; prompted by x_rose_tyler_x)
“Excuse me?”

“Yes, what is it— oh.” Bernard spun around in his chair, ready to deliver his first of any number of customer tongue-lashings of the day, only to be confronted by a petite, pretty brunette with a wide smile. “Er, hello. What... is... were... you saying?”

“Hi,” the girl said with a slight giggle he got the feeling was never far from her speech patterns. “I was wondering where your travel section was? I'm here on a study-abroad fellowship— it's pretty prestigious,” she gave a little self-effacing shrug, “—and I wanted to get a guide to London. You know, see the sights?”

Bernard stared at her mutely, a somewhat-vacant smile on his lips. The girl frowned, looking concerned. Finally Manny poked his head out from behind a nearby shelf.

“Travel's over toward the front,” he said. “On your right, past Bird-Watching but before True Crime.”

She smiled brightly. “Thank you, erm...”

“Manny,” he supplied.

“Thank you, Manny,” she finished. “I'm, well, Annie.” She giggled again. “And...” Annie looked at the still-silent shop owner seated in front of her.

“...Bernard,” he blurted, “...is my name.”

She smiled, if possible, wider. “Well, nice to meet you both,” she said, then scurried away to find the Travel section.

Manny looked down at Bernard, who was still staring dumbstruck after the girl. “What's wrong with you?”

Bernard gesticulated wildly. “Did you see her?” He asked in a heated whisper. “The eyes and the...” he made an hourglass shape in the air with his hands. “She's like a baby deer... with hips.”

“Is she?” Manny looked after her, then shrugged. “She's all right, I suppose.”

“You sup— that's what I get for consulting the Elephant Man for an opinion on women.”

“Excuse me? Hi, me again,” said Annie as she approached the desk once more. Two books were tucked under her arm, and an impressive stack was balanced between her hands. “Sorry, but I did some re-organizing in your Travel section. Did you know there were cookbooks and children's books mixed in?” She tipped her head to the stack. “I sorted the odd ones out, then sorted the actual travel guides by destination, then by author's last name.”

Bernard's face morphed into one of cold, hard rage. “You what?”

“I sorted out the books that didn't belong,” she repeated, looking like she was nervous and not sure why.

“Of course they belonged where they were, they were there,” said Bernard. “Tourists eat food! Tourists have children!”

“But all the same,” she stammered, “they should go in their own—”

“Of course they shouldn't!” Bernard thundered. “It's a one-stop shopping experience!” He waved his arms at her. “Go back,” he said. “Go back and put them all away exactly as you found them. I will check and I will know if you've done it wrong. Get Sasquatch here to help you if you want.”

“But... no!” She squeaked, stomping her foot. “No! That's not how it works! Bookstores are about... order, and sense, and distributing knowledge to the masses! You are...” Annie looked ready to cry, or perhaps just scratch Bernard's eyes out. “You are not holding up your end of that pact!”

“That's it,” Bernard snapped, finally deigning to stand up. “Get out. Give me the books. Out.”

Annie looked thunderstruck. “What?”

“Get out!”

“But what about—”


“But I want these two—”

“Take them. Keep them. Out.”

With a slightly-terrified look on her face, Annie hurried out the door, brushing past Fran as the older woman entered with a grocery bag full of wine bottles.

“Well,” she said, “you've successfully chased another woman away from you. Job well done.”

“That girl is a whirlwind,” Bernard remarked, staring out the window after her as Fran pressed a glass of wine into his hand. “I want to slap her... but also kiss her.” He looked to his only female friend. “Is that normal?”

Fran thought a moment, then nodded. “Fairly.”
Jun. 19th, 2012 02:30 pm (UTC)
Re: FILL: Introduction to Anarchist Retail Practices (Black Books crossover; prompted by x_rose_tyle
This is EXACTLY what I was looking for! Absolutely loved it!

“But... no!” She squeaked, stomping her foot. “No! That's not how it works! Bookstores are about... order, and sense, and distributing knowledge to the masses! You are...” Annie looked ready to cry, or perhaps just scratch Bernard's eyes out. “You are not holding up your end of that pact!”

“That's it,” Bernard snapped, finally deigning to stand up. “Get out. Give me the books. Out.”

Annie looked thunderstruck. “What?”

“Get out!”

“But what about—”


“But I want these two—”

“Take them. Keep them. Out.”

This? Perfect. You got the character voices spot on.
Jun. 22nd, 2012 03:43 am (UTC)
Re: FILL: Introduction to Anarchist Retail Practices (Black Books crossover; prompted by x_rose_tyle
I... This is one of the best things to ever exist. I think I'm in love with you, just a little bit.
Jun. 22nd, 2012 01:21 pm (UTC)
Re: FILL: Introduction to Anarchist Retail Practices
Heh, that's just perfect. I could clearly see the scene in my head.

This is a prime example of Bernard-logic:

“Of course they belonged where they were, they were there,” said Bernard. “Tourists eat food! Tourists have children!”

Bernard randomly shouting at people never fails to be funny. Now I kind of want to see the rest of the community gang invading his holy book shop. :D
Jun. 19th, 2012 11:58 am (UTC)
Overhearing Jeff and Britta have one of their little exchanges about how they might possibly sort of consider maybe having kids one day, Shirley is so horrified at the thought of them - together or apart - as parents, that she gives them a crash course in what having kids is really like.
Jun. 19th, 2012 04:32 pm (UTC)
Professor Duncan tries to get in on a study group adventure because he's bored and lonely. The study group aren't pleased.
Jun. 20th, 2012 03:03 pm (UTC)
Troy, Abed, and Annie accidentally end up watching an episode of Doctor Who when then mean to watch Inspector Spacetime.

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